[Stu]-Dying

My thoughts in the moment, for what they're worth:

-The last day of classes is like one final surge of energy and excitement before the campus descends into a melancholy silence of studying and finals.

-I both like and dislike this 45-50degree weather we've been experiencing.

-While it is nice to not have my nose freeze off my face when I step outside...

-it also does not feel as if Christmas, Winter and break are approaching, simply because the weather has not yet truly changed.

-I mean, 55 degrees and breezy?  Seriously, Grove City?

-I have decided that I am not at all sad that classes are over,  even though these are my last Fall classes.  I have more classes in the Spring to look forward to.

-I refuse to mourn leaving college behind until I've actually left it!

-My roommate and I were up too late last night...talking about pianos! 

-Can you say 'weird'? 

-We are *such* music majors.

-I could really learn to hate this desk chair...as I already feel as if I've been sitting on it for days, as I make my piles of flashcards

-Running at 9:30 is much more pleasant than running at 6:30...another bonus of classes being completed!

-A classic line of student around this time of the year…

"Studying is just 'dying' with an 'stu' attached…"

-Calvin and Hobbes cartoons fit some of my feelings so perfectly:

Now this is a great idea...

I really wish I was brave enough to do this on one of my finals...

-Christmas Dinner in the cafeteria is such a win!

-Steak?  Yes, please.

-and gingerbread cookies! 

-In the big picture, I could fail all my finals, and the world would still go 'round.

-I'm not worried.

-(Calm down, Mom.  I'm studying…)  :)

[...and my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. Phil 4:19.]

Who Are You, O Man?

I am angry at God.

Or maybe just struggling to the point that it feels like anger.

I want to ask Him why and I want an answer. 

I plead with David:

"How long, O Lord, will you look on?" [Psalm 35:17]

"How long, O God, is the foe to scoff?  Will the enemy revile your name forever?" [Psalm 74:10]

"Return, O Lord! How long?" [Psalm 90:13]

And I speak as the martyrs do:

"O Sovereign Lord, holy and true, how long before you will judge and avenge their blood?" [Rev 6:10]

I cry out, pleading for understanding as to why He lets His children suffer so.  I beg for wisdom to grasp His nature and how and why He can choose to save some and not others. 

These questions drive me to Romans chapter 9.  By now, it is a familiar chapter, and I know what I will find but I read it again.

"God speaks to Moses, 'I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.'  So then, it depends not on human will or exertion, but on GOD, who has mercy."

"So then he has mercy on whomever he wills, and he hardens whomever he wills."

[Romans 9:15-16 and 18]

Paul rightly guesses my next question, putting his finger on my anger:

"You will say to me then, 'Why does He still find fault? For who can resist His will?" [Romans 9:19]

And I want so badly to hear an explanation.  To grasp a reason that my puny little mind can wrap itself around.

And then I hear Paul's words, reproving me:

"But who are you, O man, to answer back to God?" [Romans 9:20]

Ouch.

The question throws my thoughts to Job and I realize that I, like him, am questioning God and demanding answers that are not mine to know.

I flip to Job and read chapters 38-41 as the Lord himself answers Job, taking up four chapters.

I cringe as I see Job's (and my) blatant ignorance displayed in the face of the wisdom of Almighty God.

I see my smallness as God talks of His power and might and I realize, as God describes His creation and His control over it, that I, too, am a creature of God's.  I am His creation.

Job speaks up only once during God's questioning and it is to say this:

"Behold. I am of small account: what shall I answer you?

I lay my hand over my mouth.

I have spoken once, and I will not answer;

Twice, but I will proceed no further." [Job 40:4-5]

I want to be angry with God.  I want my anger to be justified, until I realize that I am a fallen creature of a Holy God.  That the mercy that God shows has been poured out on me. 

I am of small account.

What shall I answer Him?

Who am I, to answer back to God?

With Job, I come to this conclusion:

"I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.

Therefore, I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know."

I want to end this post 'happy' with uplifting words, but I think, sometimes, it is best to simply be humbled before the Lord.

That is where I leave you: where I am, on my face before the might and power of my God. 

Prideful Reasoning

I'm Prideful.

It's not something I'm proud of (ironic, eh?).

I never thought that the Christmas season would bring out the pride in me.  But I realized tonight that it does, in a very subtle, probably mostly hidden way (as in, most people don't recognize it).  But tonight I caught a glimpse of it and it's not exactly pretty.

I believe it's important to remind ourselves of the "reason for the season" and to keep the "Christ" in "Christmas".  If you take Him out of it, there's no reason to celebrate (except for self-centered reasons).  So it's good to be reminded and to speak about it.  I'm thankful for all the reminders I get.

But in church recently (and outside of church, too), I've been hearing and discussing a lot of the fundamentals and foundations of the faith.  How can I be saved? What does it mean to be a Christian?  How do I know I am saved?

It's been a really good month of hearing the Gospel over and over and having it preached to me. But what keeps sticking out to me is this: 

It's all God. 

God convicts of sin.

God brings me to life and opens my eyes to see His glory.

God (the Spirit) moves within me.

God gives me the gift of faith.

God forgives my sin and gives me an eternal inheritance.

It's not my strength, power, talents, gifts, hard work.

And I know this. I do.

But it's so easy to live like it's something I did to save myself.

And I realized tonight that as I remind myself of the reason for the season, I pat myself on the back, 'proud' of myself that I'm "getting it right" and understanding the truth of why we celebrate.

And I am glad that I know the truth.  But it's not because of me.  That fact that I know the truth doesn't mean I should pat myself on the back.  It means I should fall on my face in gratitude for the grace of God which has so mercifully brought me into the Kingdom of Light.

So that is my prayer this Christmas, for me and anyone else who  "gets" it.  To look at our Savior, humbled as He was to be brought into this world in frail human form, and long for that humility.  To be grateful for the knowledge of who God is and be reminded that it is all about Christ. 

"And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." [Philippians 2:8]

"Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I Love Ya, Tomorrow..."

Tomorrow: it comes too soon, too slowly, or rather, it never comes at all…

There are so many thought about 'tomorrow'...I've been thinking about them recently.  A dear friend of mine reminded me on Sunday night, that "God is bigger than my Monday".  And it's true.  God is bigger than whatever day we're facing.  Sometimes, all I want is for tomorrow to arrive - whether that's because I'm anticipating the coming day or because I would just like for the current one to end.  Other days, I want tomorrow to never arrive, so that I can savor each moment of the day that I'm in, or so that I have more time to accomplish my endless to-do list!

Either way, tomorrow is wrapped up in the concept of time and I will never forget the quote I read from "A Severe Mercy."  Sheldon Van Aucken is talking about we, as human beings, being surprised by time and his general thought is this (and I am paraphrasing, because my book is at home, and I am at school): We are always surprised by time, because we were not created for time - we are timeless beings.  We are created by a God who is outside of time and therefore, are often taken by surprise at the way "time flies!" or at how slowly "the minutes crawl".

Here are some funny, serious, thought-provoking, etc… thoughts on tomorrow and time that I'd thought I'd share.

Work as if you were to live a hundred years. Pray as if you were to die tomorrow.

Benjamin Franklin

                (For a man who was a Deist, and didn't see God as having much involvement in our lives, he hits the nail on the head.)

Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone.

Pablo Picasso

                   (This quote, by the way, is one of many having to do with either accomplishing things before tomorrow, or, as Mark Twain humorously suggests, never doing today, what you can do tomorrow…)

Lost time is never found again.

Benjamin Franklin

Life lived for tomorrow will always be just a day away from being realized.

Leo Buscaglia

Time changes everything except something within us which is always surprised by change.

Thomas Hardy

                  (I'm one of those people - always surprised by change…)

Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength.

Charles Spurgeon

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

Charles M. Schulz

                 (Gotta love this quote. So terribly impractical to think this way, isn't it? But hey, it still makes me smile.)

What then is time? If no one asks me, I know what it is. If I wish to explain it to him who asks, I do not know.

Saint Augustine

I think the most important quote about time and worry and tomorrow is this one:

                "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." [Matthew 6:34]

                              And you know why this is possible?

Because my God is bigger than tomorrow. 

And He's already got tomorrow all figured out.

Being All There

I've mentioned Jon Acuff's blog, "Stuff Christians Like",  in an earlier post.

I also blogged at one point about waiting for my "real" life to start: http://efairbaugh.blogspot.com/2011/03/life-lesson-from-kid.html

Recently, I came upon a post of Acuff's entitled "The Quietest, Loudest Video You'll Ever See", which was all about that same topic.

I thought the video was very well done and worth sharing.

And it's always good to go back and ask questions that you've "already answered".

Here's the post containing the video (it's 7:30 minutes long, but so worth it!):

http://www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike/2011/11/sclq-%E2%80%93-the-quietest-loudest-video-you%E2%80%99ll-ever-see/

Am I living right now?  In this day, in this moment, with the people that I am with and the task that is before me right now?  Am I living excellently and being "all there", wherever I am?

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith." [Hebrews 12:1-2a]

Challenged by Brother Yun

I read a book about a Chinese Christian this week.  His name is Brother Yun and he's been tortured for Christ. He's spent over 7 years in prison.  He once went 74 days (by choice) without food or water. He's a living miracle, a light burning brightly, testifying to the power and glory of God.

But his story was convicting.

His life as a Christian is hard.  Harder than I will probably ever understand or even fully imagine.  He does not currently live in China because he's a wanted criminal there - simply for being a Christian.  While in China he suffered daily for Christ, yet his confidence, faith and complete trust in God exuded from him (and still does).

It hit me between the eyes.

Because my life doesn't look like that.

I'm a Christian and I know God is sovereign. But I rarely live like I hold that knowledge dear.

I know I'm not (currently) called to be a martyr for Christ, in the sense of being physically tortured for my faith to the point of dying.  I know that I was not born in China, or in a country where being a Christian is against the law.

God has placed me in this country, in my family, in this generation for a purpose and a reason. 

But I am still called to radical faith.

I am still called to boldly proclaim the truth of God.

Brother Yun spoke of God and was beaten and imprisoned for his beliefs.

I fear to speak of Christ because I might be ridiculed or mocked.

How petty my fears seem compared to what he has faced and still faces.

"I pray that I will in no way be ashamed but will have sufficient courage, so that now, as always, Christ will be glorified in my body." Phil 1:20

I know this is true of Brother Yun. I pray that it will be true of me.  That I will learn how to live out the Gospel in a vibrant and bold way, that others in this country might see the power of God and understand the Gospel.

In this book, Brother Yun often exhorted his fellow believers to not mourn over what was happening to him, but to mourn over the lost souls that still did not know Christ.

I pray that I might feel the burden for these souls as Brother Yun does.  That those who do not know Christ would be impressed upon my heart.

May our faith be radical, our tongues be bold, and the Gospel become ever dearer to us. 

Sanctification, the Normal Way

Today was a day for sanctification.

Nothing profound happened.

There were no outstanding instances.

There were no terrible letdowns, or disappointments.

There was no startling or unexpected news.

It was an absolutely typical Wednesday.

And yet, today was a day for sanctification.

I heard recently this phrase: 

Sanctification provides a reason for everything.

Often times I take that to mean that all the unexpected, unusual, hard, challenging circumstances in my life, these God uses to sanctify me.  When something doesn't go my way - God's sanctifying me.

I forget that God uses normal days to sanctify me. God uses everyday circumstances to bring me further along the path to holiness.

Today was a day to live fully for Christ - in all it's normalcy. 

"Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ." [1 Thessalonians 5:23]

Do Everything...

I complained today.

I complained about the food. (Sometimes, I feel justified in this...I mean, who really wants curried spinach and pea soup for dinner??  But, at least I have food. And I was still complaining.)

I complained about being bored in chapel choir.

I complained about the rain, although it had been brilliantly warm and sunny all morning.

I complained about my homework, what little there was of it.

I complained about the music department and some of their rules and expectations.

Then I walked to the bank and I was quoting Philippians as I walked, and I spoke these words to myself:

"Do everything without complaining or arguing so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God, without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe, as you hold out the Word of Life." Philippians 2:14-15. 

Ouch.

There's so much there, and the first four words pack a pretty strong punch.

Do everything.

Stop.

Everything?  Everything. Each moment. Each activity. Dealing with each person. Doing each task. Do everything.

Without complaining.

Stop.

Without whining. Without moping. Without groaning. Without bemoaning your situation.

Complaining is full of pride, gossip, self-centeredness, ingratitude.

Paul tells us to leave it behind.

Do everything without complaining and arguing. 

So that.

I'm learning that there is always a "so that".  Do this...because. Do this...and here's the reason why.

So. Do all things without complaining...here's the reason why:

So you may become blameless and pure, children of God.

Children imitate their parents.  Our Father, God, is holy, pure, blameless, full of love and grace.  This is what I am to imitate.

So that.

You may be without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe.

Here's a secondary reason, a greater purpose.  So that others may see.  We live in a twisted generation (as the ESV puts it), and complaining is second nature in this world. We are to live differently, shining brightly, set apart from this crooked world.

As you hold out the Word of Life.

And here it is: the clincher. The Gospel message.  Do this, and the Gospel is declared and seen in your life. The Word of Life is being held out, that others might see.  As Matthew says, "Let your light so shine before men that they might see your good deeds and praise your Father in Heaven." (Mt. 5:16)

Do everything without complaining and arguing.  I once heard it phrased: Gratitude is a spiritual discipline. It takes work to learn to be thankful for, and not complain, about the daily things that come up in your life. But it's worth it, that the Word of Life might be displayed in my life, held out in this generation. 

More Random Thoughts

*It snowed in Grove City. In October. Nothing stuck, so I'm not really counting it as a snowfall.  But it made me anticipate snowy days, hot chocolate, the holiday season, Christmas break...man, I'm really getting ahead of myself here.

*I have only one more test remaining this semester (and three finals)...where on earth did the semester run away to?

*if I used proper English...that sentence would not have ended with a preposition...I apologize to all you English geeks out there, but I'm not changing it. [I'm stubborn.]

*Walking down memory lane can be so very fun. However, I was realizing what an odd picture I must have made, sitting alone in my room, laughing out loud, and commenting to myself as certain pictures came up.

*Eating dinner at 4pm: a first for me. However, the cafeteria is much preferred at this time. It's empty, so I can find a table and hear what is being said to me.  Unfortunately, the food still isn't hot…

*I accompanied a friend at his senior recital today: senior recitals are a big deal and it was a relief to be done, but we had fun. Plus, he gave me chocolate as a thank-you. Superior.

*Technology confuses me. So much.  Good thing my little brother is here to rescue me.

*My parents got to fly to Honduras to visit my sister and Texas to visit my brother and sister-in-law. I'm jealous.

*Two of my good friends are getting married (to each other) this coming Saturday. I'm so excited for them. However, the fact that my friends are getting married...still a bit odd. How are we old enough for this?

*2 weeks until Thanksgiving break. What happened to the semester? Didn't it just start?  I will never fully understand time.

1) Calvin and Hobbes cartoons are growing on me
2) This is what I'm picturing for Thanksgiving Break

*I've been reading Titus. It's always fascinating to me that books (in the Bible) that I've read before can suddenly appear totally new to me. And how such short books can pack such a powerful punch. Check out Titus 2, especially verses 11-14.

"Honor Begins at Home"

I don't cry in movies.

This is what I tell myself. And for the most part, it's true. I think I can count on one hand...okay, maybe both hands…the number of movies which have made me cry.

I don't sob in movies.

Ever. I mean, it's a movie - not realistic, right?

Wrong.

"Courageous", which recently came out, and which I saw last weekend, made me bawl.  Right there, in the middle of the theater. I cried for...oh...over an hour during a two hour movie. And I cried again on my way out to the parking lot, just thinking about it.

It's one of the best movies I have ever seen in a long time.

It shares a message that everyone needs to hear - not just Dads,  to which the message of the movie is directed.

You should go see this movie. It's worth the $9. 

Courage. 

Courage is doing what's right even when it's difficult. It means holding on to the truth even when all you can do is ask "why?" and when the only thing you can think is "Make sense of this for me".  It means admitting you're wrong.  It means standing up again after you've fallen down for the tenth time, or the twentieth, or the fiftieth.

"Courageous" (the movie) speaks directly to fathers - it's a plea for them to stand up and be men, to fulfill the role that they were called to.

I know being a father has unique demands, responsibilities and expectations that no other job has. But everyone has a purpose in life.  Everyone has something they were called to: being a daughter, a friend, a sibling, a son, a mother, a husband, a wife, a student, an employee, a boss…

If this is what you have been called to, than the expectation is that you fulfill your calling with excellence.

Are you being a friend to the best of your ability?

Are you serving your family to bring glory to God?

Are you loving your siblings?

Are you being courageous in your specific calling? Are you chasing after righteousness and holiness right where you are? Are you standing for what is right, as it is defined in Scripture? Are you resting in the truth through painful and difficult circumstances?

The by-line of the movie is "Honor begins at home". 

As my parents often told me, "If you can't do it at home, you won't do it anywhere else."

Is your life at home a life of honor?

Check out the song/video Casting Crowns made for the movie:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkM-gDcmJeM

Let's stand up and fight apathy: be courageous.

Let's live lives of honor.

"For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works." [Titus 2:11-14]

All Our "Stuff"

There's always 'stuff' going on.  Always something that goes wrong, or an unexpected delay.  I recently heard this song by Francesca Battistelli called "This is the Stuff".

I think it sums up how I feel at times perfectly. Here's the lyrics:

I lost my keys in the great unknown

And call me please 'Cuz I can't find my phone

This is the stuff that drives me crazy

This is the stuff that's getting to me lately

In the middle of my little mess

I forget how big I'm blessed

This is the stuff that gets under my skin

But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing

It might not be what I would choose

But this is the stuff You use

45 in a 35

Sirens and fines while I'm running behind

Whoa

This is the stuff that drives me crazy

This is the stuff that's getting to me lately

In the middle of my little mess

I forget how big I'm blessed

This is the stuff that gets under my skin

But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing

It might not be what I would choose

But this is the stuff You use

So break me of impatience

Conquer my frustrations

I've got a new appreciation

It's not the end of the world

Oh Oh Oh

This is the stuff that drives me crazy

This is the stuff

Someone save me

In the middle of my little mess

I forget how big I'm blessed

This is the stuff that gets under my skin

And I've gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing

It might not be what I would choose

But this is the stuff You use

Check out the song (here's a link):

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pqqdA8LHN7I&ob=av2e

One of the things I really like about this song is this line:

In the middle of my little mess, I forget how big I'm blessed.

Reminds me of 2 Corinthians 4:17-18: "For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to things seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

These lyrics point me to the Gospel and remind me of how important it is to preach the Gospel to myself.  When I'm bemoaning the little things in life that are driving me crazy, do I recall the Gospel and the goodness of Jesus Christ?  Do I remember that at the end of this life, there is an eternal glory?

The other line I like is this one:

It might not be what I would choose, but this is the stuff you use.

God's using the "stuff" in my life.  He knows what He's doing and He uses each moment of my life to teach and train me. 

So what "stuff" in going on in your life?

How is God using that stuff to mold you and conform you to His image?