Lost
It's not me. I'm not the one who hurts. I'm not the one who slices her palms, or cuts her skin in that secret place, where no one sees. I'm not the one who cries herself to sleep, if she sleeps at all. I'm not the one who dares to try to starve herself, I wouldn't have the strength. I have no secrets, no hidden pain, no tragic story. I carry none of these scars: a broken home, a broken family, a broken life.
Yet I bear the pain. I know the secret. I share the shame. I hold her when she hurts. I beg desperately for the words to say. I listen. Nothing changes. I talk. No one hears. I cry. My heart breaks for the wounds of this precious child. Created in her Father's image, she sees nothing of the sort when she looks in the mirror.
I've talked to so many, searching for answers that nobody holds. Why does He not give her peace? Why cannot she not give this up? Why can't I help? I give and give. I have nothing left to say, no smile to share and yet somehow, when she comes around, the Lord opens my heart as she opens my door.
I can't be the one to save her. I've tried so many times. I have no fix-it button or magic wand. I don't even have a simple thought to share. My strength, my hope is in the Lord. My words are not my own. I know He loves her. I know He listens. I know He cares. I can do nothing else but share this love.
Again. And again. And again.
*I am torn today, by Romans 9. Torn because of this verse: "For He says to Moses, 'I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.' "
Such a great truth when I realize that God has had, and does have, mercy on me. That makes me ecstatic and exuberant and overwhelmed. But to stand and see those on whom He does not have compassion…it makes me question and wonder, and to be honest, angry. Why? Why me and not her? Why me and not him? I am no different than they: I, the chief of sinners, have done nothing to warrant His mercy and compassion.
*But Romans 9 doesn't stop there. It goes on to say this: "But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, “Why have you made me like this?” Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use? What if God, desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power, has endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction, in order to make known the riches of his glory for vessels of mercy, which he has prepared beforehand for glory— even us whom he has called, not from the Jews only but also from the Gentiles?"
*And I see His sovereignty. God is a just God. He does what is right and good and holy. There are days when I wish my feeble mind could understand His working - why He does what He does. But I am ever so glad that I cannot put my God in a box and understand Him.
*What kind of God would that be, if I served a God I could fully understand?
*I am glad I am the clay, and not the Potter.
"If I stand, let me stand on the promise, that You will pull me through; and if I can't, let me fall on the grace, that first brought me to You." -If I Stand, Rich Mullins
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