[Stu]-Dying

My thoughts in the moment, for what they're worth:

-The last day of classes is like one final surge of energy and excitement before the campus descends into a melancholy silence of studying and finals.

-I both like and dislike this 45-50degree weather we've been experiencing.

-While it is nice to not have my nose freeze off my face when I step outside...

-it also does not feel as if Christmas, Winter and break are approaching, simply because the weather has not yet truly changed.

-I mean, 55 degrees and breezy?  Seriously, Grove City?

-I have decided that I am not at all sad that classes are over,  even though these are my last Fall classes.  I have more classes in the Spring to look forward to.

-I refuse to mourn leaving college behind until I've actually left it!

-My roommate and I were up too late last night...talking about pianos! 

-Can you say 'weird'? 

-We are *such* music majors.

-I could really learn to hate this desk chair...as I already feel as if I've been sitting on it for days, as I make my piles of flashcards

-Running at 9:30 is much more pleasant than running at 6:30...another bonus of classes being completed!

-A classic line of student around this time of the year…

"Studying is just 'dying' with an 'stu' attached…"

-Calvin and Hobbes cartoons fit some of my feelings so perfectly:

Now this is a great idea...

I really wish I was brave enough to do this on one of my finals...

-Christmas Dinner in the cafeteria is such a win!

-Steak?  Yes, please.

-and gingerbread cookies! 

-In the big picture, I could fail all my finals, and the world would still go 'round.

-I'm not worried.

-(Calm down, Mom.  I'm studying…)  :)

[...and my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus. Phil 4:19.]

Who Are You, O Man?

I am angry at God.

Or maybe just struggling to the point that it feels like anger.

I want to ask Him why and I want an answer. 

I plead with David:

"How long, O Lord, will you look on?" [Psalm 35:17]

"How long, O God, is the foe to scoff?  Will the enemy revile your name forever?" [Psalm 74:10]

"Return, O Lord! How long?" [Psalm 90:13]

And I speak as the martyrs do:

"O Sovereign Lord, holy and true, how long before you will judge and avenge their blood?" [Rev 6:10]

I cry out, pleading for understanding as to why He lets His children suffer so.  I beg for wisdom to grasp His nature and how and why He can choose to save some and not others. 

These questions drive me to Romans chapter 9.  By now, it is a familiar chapter, and I know what I will find but I read it again.

"God speaks to Moses, 'I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.'  So then, it depends not on human will or exertion, but on GOD, who has mercy."

"So then he has mercy on whomever he wills, and he hardens whomever he wills."

[Romans 9:15-16 and 18]

Paul rightly guesses my next question, putting his finger on my anger:

"You will say to me then, 'Why does He still find fault? For who can resist His will?" [Romans 9:19]

And I want so badly to hear an explanation.  To grasp a reason that my puny little mind can wrap itself around.

And then I hear Paul's words, reproving me:

"But who are you, O man, to answer back to God?" [Romans 9:20]

Ouch.

The question throws my thoughts to Job and I realize that I, like him, am questioning God and demanding answers that are not mine to know.

I flip to Job and read chapters 38-41 as the Lord himself answers Job, taking up four chapters.

I cringe as I see Job's (and my) blatant ignorance displayed in the face of the wisdom of Almighty God.

I see my smallness as God talks of His power and might and I realize, as God describes His creation and His control over it, that I, too, am a creature of God's.  I am His creation.

Job speaks up only once during God's questioning and it is to say this:

"Behold. I am of small account: what shall I answer you?

I lay my hand over my mouth.

I have spoken once, and I will not answer;

Twice, but I will proceed no further." [Job 40:4-5]

I want to be angry with God.  I want my anger to be justified, until I realize that I am a fallen creature of a Holy God.  That the mercy that God shows has been poured out on me. 

I am of small account.

What shall I answer Him?

Who am I, to answer back to God?

With Job, I come to this conclusion:

"I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.

Therefore, I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know."

I want to end this post 'happy' with uplifting words, but I think, sometimes, it is best to simply be humbled before the Lord.

That is where I leave you: where I am, on my face before the might and power of my God. 

Prideful Reasoning

I'm Prideful.

It's not something I'm proud of (ironic, eh?).

I never thought that the Christmas season would bring out the pride in me.  But I realized tonight that it does, in a very subtle, probably mostly hidden way (as in, most people don't recognize it).  But tonight I caught a glimpse of it and it's not exactly pretty.

I believe it's important to remind ourselves of the "reason for the season" and to keep the "Christ" in "Christmas".  If you take Him out of it, there's no reason to celebrate (except for self-centered reasons).  So it's good to be reminded and to speak about it.  I'm thankful for all the reminders I get.

But in church recently (and outside of church, too), I've been hearing and discussing a lot of the fundamentals and foundations of the faith.  How can I be saved? What does it mean to be a Christian?  How do I know I am saved?

It's been a really good month of hearing the Gospel over and over and having it preached to me. But what keeps sticking out to me is this: 

It's all God. 

God convicts of sin.

God brings me to life and opens my eyes to see His glory.

God (the Spirit) moves within me.

God gives me the gift of faith.

God forgives my sin and gives me an eternal inheritance.

It's not my strength, power, talents, gifts, hard work.

And I know this. I do.

But it's so easy to live like it's something I did to save myself.

And I realized tonight that as I remind myself of the reason for the season, I pat myself on the back, 'proud' of myself that I'm "getting it right" and understanding the truth of why we celebrate.

And I am glad that I know the truth.  But it's not because of me.  That fact that I know the truth doesn't mean I should pat myself on the back.  It means I should fall on my face in gratitude for the grace of God which has so mercifully brought me into the Kingdom of Light.

So that is my prayer this Christmas, for me and anyone else who  "gets" it.  To look at our Savior, humbled as He was to be brought into this world in frail human form, and long for that humility.  To be grateful for the knowledge of who God is and be reminded that it is all about Christ. 

"And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." [Philippians 2:8]

"Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I Love Ya, Tomorrow..."

Tomorrow: it comes too soon, too slowly, or rather, it never comes at all…

There are so many thought about 'tomorrow'...I've been thinking about them recently.  A dear friend of mine reminded me on Sunday night, that "God is bigger than my Monday".  And it's true.  God is bigger than whatever day we're facing.  Sometimes, all I want is for tomorrow to arrive - whether that's because I'm anticipating the coming day or because I would just like for the current one to end.  Other days, I want tomorrow to never arrive, so that I can savor each moment of the day that I'm in, or so that I have more time to accomplish my endless to-do list!

Either way, tomorrow is wrapped up in the concept of time and I will never forget the quote I read from "A Severe Mercy."  Sheldon Van Aucken is talking about we, as human beings, being surprised by time and his general thought is this (and I am paraphrasing, because my book is at home, and I am at school): We are always surprised by time, because we were not created for time - we are timeless beings.  We are created by a God who is outside of time and therefore, are often taken by surprise at the way "time flies!" or at how slowly "the minutes crawl".

Here are some funny, serious, thought-provoking, etc… thoughts on tomorrow and time that I'd thought I'd share.

Work as if you were to live a hundred years. Pray as if you were to die tomorrow.

Benjamin Franklin

                (For a man who was a Deist, and didn't see God as having much involvement in our lives, he hits the nail on the head.)

Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone.

Pablo Picasso

                   (This quote, by the way, is one of many having to do with either accomplishing things before tomorrow, or, as Mark Twain humorously suggests, never doing today, what you can do tomorrow…)

Lost time is never found again.

Benjamin Franklin

Life lived for tomorrow will always be just a day away from being realized.

Leo Buscaglia

Time changes everything except something within us which is always surprised by change.

Thomas Hardy

                  (I'm one of those people - always surprised by change…)

Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength.

Charles Spurgeon

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

Charles M. Schulz

                 (Gotta love this quote. So terribly impractical to think this way, isn't it? But hey, it still makes me smile.)

What then is time? If no one asks me, I know what it is. If I wish to explain it to him who asks, I do not know.

Saint Augustine

I think the most important quote about time and worry and tomorrow is this one:

                "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." [Matthew 6:34]

                              And you know why this is possible?

Because my God is bigger than tomorrow. 

And He's already got tomorrow all figured out.