The Other Side of the Coin

Break is coming.  It is almost here. And with it comes my last time being at home until I graduate from college.

Weird.

I have had senioritis for quite some time, although my workload has (thankfully) kept me from doing anything about it (ie...being lazy).  I am ready to graduate, to move on to a new step, to be done with tests, and flashcards and finals and dorm rooms and cafeteria food.  But mostly cafeteria food.

This past Friday, however, I played in my last orchestra concert and a new feeling suddenly hit me. I realized that this could be the last time I play in an orchestra.  I mean, if I really wanted to, I could probably find an orchestra to play in once I graduate, but it won't be the same as having the college orchestra right at my fingertips (no pun intended). 

And that's when the other side of being a senior hit me...the moving on side...the side that realizes that there are things that college offers that I won't have again. 

Don't get me wrong.

I'm still ready to graduate.

But I suddenly realized that there are two sides to this coin...like every coin…it just took me a bit to realize it for this one.  Or at least, for the knowledge of this other side to begin to sink in.

I think it comes down to balance.  Again. I know I just recently talked about balance, but it keeps coming up.  There is a balance between saying hello and saying goodbye.  Between rejoicing in the past and moving forward without looking back. 

And the center of this balance rests in Christ.  In trusting Him.   My future is still uncertain (in my mind).  I don't have a set job, I don't have a car, I don't know what the next year will hold for me.  But I know that Christ will be my Rock.  He has a plan, has determined my future, knows what is best for me and will not let me go.  He has faithfully brought me through (almost) four of college, teaching me, showing me grace and growing me.  And He will continue to be with me.

As the Elevation Band sings, "Give me faith, to trust what You say.  That You're good and Your love is great."

Moving forward can be hard, but I don't want to move back. There are "good works set out in advance for me to do" (Ephesians 2:10).  Our life is not supposed to be stagnant.  We're supposed to be growing, moving, changing. 

I pray that God will give me the dedication to finish well here, the faith to move on with contentment and the joy to live each day fully to His glory.

February at the Grove

*The sun shone for about 2 hours last week.  It was the most glorious part of the week. I didn't know sunshine in Grove City was possible this time of year.

*Oh wait!  Make that...sunshine is a miracle here, unless there's a tour.  Then the sun will most definitely be shining.

*Perhaps this is God smiling on Grove City College so all the young, unsuspecting high school seniors are led to believe this is a sunny place.

*Oddly enough, despite the gray, there has been very little snow. 

*Running on a treadmill is pretty close to torture.  Running in tiny circles on the indoor track is painful. 

*Nothing will ever beat running outside.  Even the 25* weather and 6am morning can't deter me.

*Memories are one of my sweetest treasures.  Can you imagine a life without memories?

*Oh! Don't do that. It's not fun.

*I'm ready for Spring.  For so many reasons:

-sunshine

-warm breezes

-flip-flops

-sunshine

-almost graduation time

-light jackets

-Touring Choir's tour

-sunshine

*I love getting packages. And mail. And letters.

[This may seem random, but it is amazing how a simple letter can bring so much sunshine to a gray February day.]

*This comic strip reminds me of a recent conversation I had with my own dad about the large amount of homework and what college is about:

*While I have perhaps reached the age when I can indeed see some of the pleasures in learning...I can also sympathize with Calvin here

*Homework seems, at times, never ending.

*Speaking of parents...I talked to them right through the closing of the cafeteria the other night (my fault - not theirs!) and so had to eat Ramen for dinner.

*Oh the great delights of being a college kid.

*God is good. So good. I only pray that I can learn to see it more often.

*How quickly we forget the Gospel. February is a good month to preach the Gospel to yourself.

*Okay. Every month is a good month to preach the Gospel to yourself, but this is the "February" post…

*One week until Spring Break! 

*4 weeks until Spring actually begins…!

Majesty

I've been reading "Knowing God" by JI Packer.

Man, I love when my classes assign me books like that for homework.  Homework: learning about your Creator. Yes, please!

I read recently about God being majestic.  Packer acknowledged that God is indeed a personal God, and this truth is obvious from the very first few chapters of Genesis.  But he also wrote that so often we miss out on knowing God and learning who God truly is because we make Him so personal and so intimate, that we forget how big, and powerful and great He is.  We make Him small, our own personal God, who does what we want Him to, and only when we want Him to. 

I find myself doing this.  Sometimes, it feels nice to have a small god. I can understand a small god, because a small god is just like me. Of course, he would be able to fix things I can't and he'd probably know a little more than I do, but he's much like I am.  And if I can understand my god, than I can control him, right?  And if I can control my god, then I can basically have a god serving me. 

Boy, I sure make life all about me, don't I?

[Do you find yourself doing this? Or am I alone in this one?]

And this was Packer's point:

A small god is NOT my God. 

A small god is a worthless god.  A small god is not omniscient, or omnipresent, or omnipotent.

God, the God of the Bible, is the creator of Heaven, and Earth, and the stars, and flowers, and squirrels, and humans, and atoms, and planets, and dust mites...He is the God who controls the sea, the rain, the lightning and the snow...He's the God who speaks and creates, the God who suffered and died at the hands of angry sinners to redeem them from death…

This God is not small.

This God knows me more intimately than I know myself.

I cannot control Him. 

This God is not 'safe'. 

I should fear Him.  He is far above anything I can imagine or create.

I should worship Him. He deserves more glory than I could and will ever give Him.

This God is majestic.  This is a God that I can put all my trust in because I KNOW He's bigger than all the things I can face. 

This is a God I can depend and rely on and put my faith in.  He is worthy of this.

My small god can't protect, save, redeem, heal, comfort or love me. 

A small god is selfish.

A majestic God puts me in proper place: a place of fearing, worshipping and adoring my great Savior.

I pray that God will continue to graciously reveal more of Himself to us, that we might fully fear and fully love Him, coming to know the true God as mighty and majestic. 

"Who is like you, O Lord, among the gods? Who is like you, majestic in holiness, awesome in glorious deeds, doing wonders?" [Exodus 15:11]

Thinking Outloud

If I could sum up my life in one word right now, it would be "hurried". 

I have an overwhelming amount of constant work this semester which keeps me going from the moment I get up until I get to bed. If I'm not doing work...I should be.  The amount of work was unexpected, to say the least, especially seeing as I only have four classes.  I have become slightly spastic about my time and planning and I mark out my day by the hour, to ensure that I have enough time to accomplish everything that I need to do. 

Recently, I have become frustrated with this fast-paced life and the endless routine that seems never ceasing (at least until May!).

I miss my quiet afternoons from last semester that gave me time to think and to catch up with life outside the Grove City "bubble".   I realized last night that one of the things I miss the most is conversations.  I don't have? take? as much time to call home, to call friends, to catch up with people I don't see very often.  Dinner and lunch dates are typically cut short by a sighed "homework time". 

Even after three and a half years of college (and five years of homeschooling), I feel as if I am still needing to learn how to prioritize.  I know my schoolwork is important and so it has been hard to find the balance between doing my work well and in a timely manner, and making sure that I engage in conversations, in giving and taking, in blessing and receiving, in sharing and laughing and crying with other people.

Balance. It is a word that has come up in my life many, many times recently. And it is such a hard thing.  Having been a gymnast, my mental picture is always of a balance beam - a four inch wide, four feet high beam.  Staying on the beam...not so easy.  Slipping off on either side takes just the tiniest misstep.

I haven't found the balance here at school this semester, in balancing "school life" and "real life".  I don't know what it is. 

I have just one observation that I realized this week:

My church is doing a "Lord's Watch" this year and many people signed up to prayer for half an hour at a time, once a week, all year.  I was home when the signing up was going on, so I joined in.  To be honest, I think these past few weeks, as the Lord's Watch began, have been some of my longest times of prayer, ever.  I'm not sure I've ever even tried to pray for half an hour before.  I have found this time of prayer to be the most refreshing time of the week.

Yes, I have to schedule it in and sometimes it seems like I have too much to do to pray.  But when I stop and pray, I find myself refreshed.  I believe the cause of it is this:  when I'm praying, I'm not focusing on myself or my schoolwork.  My focus is on Christ, where it should be.  (Certainly, it's not there the whole half hour...I'm not so great at that, but I'm working on it!)  When I place myself at the foot of the Cross, when my eyes are on Jesus, life makes so much more sense.  Life is about the One who created life, life is about giving glory and praise to the only One who deserves it. 

I don't want to turn this into "just do this, this and this and life will be great" situation.  That's not how it works.  But I think that I am finding that even when life is crazy, even when it's hard, or busy, that Christ is still the center.

I'm not certain if my thought process made much sense.  I am having trouble processing all the thoughts that are currently buzzing around my brain, so I apologize if this post seems a little disorganized…

I suppose then, that my final conclusion is this: The GOSPEL!  (sounds just like the last post, eh?) Preach the Gospel to yourself.  Preach Christ. Preach truth.  Preach freedom from sin.  Be reminded of His power, His peace and His presence.  These are what bring me through each day. 

A Sinning Saint, preaching the Gospel

I've recently gotten hooked on Casting Crowns new cd.  Every time a new cd of theirs comes out, I think it can't possibly be better than the one before...and it always is.  One of the things I like best about Casting Crowns is how downright honest they are in their lyrics.  They don't sugarcoat the truth.  They don't "write nice" for Christians.  It's real stuff. And sometimes, it smacks me in the face.

Right now, it's been the lyrics of "Jesus, Friend of Sinners".

One of the lines in the first verse goes like this:

A plank-eyed saint, with dirty hands and a heart divided…

There are so many thoughts that kinda hit me with that line.

I'm a sinner.

And I somehow...forget that.  Maybe not forget that I sin...but forget what that means in the eyes of a Holy God. I'm a SINNER.  And I choose my sin over his holiness. 

                  Over. And over. And over again.

Plank-eyed saint...that's me.  I've got so much sin in my life, sometimes I can't even see it all.

But it's not a "plank-eyed sinner".  It's a plank-eyed saint.

I'm saved.  Christ has redeemed me, called me, purchased me, revived me from the dead. 

I'm a saint.  Granted, I'm not 'completed' yet (and won't be until the day of Christ - Phil. 1:6), but I'm one of God's chosen people.  I am part of His bride.

WOW.

Just let that soak in for a minute.

…

Okay. Now go back and read that line again - 

                             plank-eyed saint, dirty hands, heart divided. 

That's still me.  Saved, but still screwing up. 

                    A sinning saint.  With a God who loves me.

Jesus, friend of sinners.

The second verse states this: May the memory of your mercy bring your people to their knees.

I pray that the Gospel never stops bringing us to our knees.